i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
