apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
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