I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
