Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Randomize
