And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
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