2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
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