I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
