Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Randomize
