i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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