btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
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