you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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