This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Just high enough for therapy.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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