It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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