Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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