found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Randomize
