very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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