If i come over, it means nothing
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
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