Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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