fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
