anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
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