I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
