Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
