1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I know her cup size but not her name....
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
