so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
you're hired as official boob wrangler
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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