tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
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