yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Michael Bay diarrhea
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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