I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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