god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
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