I am puke
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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