wat bout pragnant strippers??
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
