I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
