Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
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