I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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