**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize