I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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