Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
