I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Randomize
