It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
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