You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
