whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
