Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Randomize