guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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