I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Randomize