sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
