you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
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