I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize