using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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