The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
Randomize
