Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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