How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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