I never want to see another naked old woman again.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
