dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
the liver wants what the liver wants
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
It's not just going to appear. A lot of blood, sweat, tears, and leg work went into finding a cock that amazing!
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
