I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Randomize
