When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
