wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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