Just took my morning after pill in the library
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
