Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
