just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize