i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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