I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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