So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
