I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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